Life as a Leftie

Let me just summarize it in one word for you: interesting.

Ever thought about how hard it is to be a leftie in a world made for righties?
It's maddening!

This stuff should come with a warning label for lefties! 

WARNING: May cause Lefties to become contortionists just to be able to use the writing surface. Please seek the advice of a licensed chiropractor after every use.

WARNING: May cause Lefties to acquire an ink smudge on their left hand. This is normal and should not be considered a defect in manufacturing.

WARNING: May cause all knitted products to come out upside-down. If this persists or becomes bothersome, seek the advice of the non-existent knitting guide for Lefties.

WARNING: May cause blisters on the thumbs of Lefties. Large cutting projects may be delayed.

You can just about imagine what school was like for me!
I'm really shocked that my spine is relatively straight, I didn't get ink poisoning and I don't have scars from scissor blisters.

Resolutions

(Courtesy of patheos.com)

Every December 31, just as the calendar threatens to turn to the next year I make my resolutions. They're usually very solid, reasonable weight loss and/or life-changing resolutions that I have thoroughly researched and planned (yes, I'm a nerd. You haven't caught on yet?).

But somehow they always end up like this:

January 1: "I'm so committed! This is great! I'll be down quite a few pounds by Summer!"

January 8, 9am: "Oooh! Look! I lost 4 pounds. Surely I deserve a little something special to reward my effort."

January 8, 10am: (At local bakery) "Yes, I'd like to get a cupcake please. And one of those cookies, you know, for {later}."

January 9: (On scale) "Craaaaaap! Oh well, there's always next year." 

So I'm skipping the guilt-ridden resolutions and sticking to simpler ones that may not make me drop a bazillion pounds by Summer, but will make me more interesting by then. 

I know, "Why paint the peacock?", right? 

I kid. But honestly, I have some fine-tuning to do and this is how I plan to do it:

1. Exercise 30 minutes a day, 3 times a week.
2. Read one new book a month.

Simple, right? That's the idea. I may not be the thinnest, most well-read person by the time Summer rolls around, but I will be better off than where I am now.

And isn't that the ultimate goal in life?
Well, that and fat-free, sugar-free, calorie-free cookies.      

Happy Turkey Day, Y'all!

Holidays always fascinate me.

Know why? They bring out the comical dysfunction in every family.
Don't pretend it doesn't happen in your family.
If dysfunction were rare sedatives wouldn't exist.

Know that uncle you have that's always been a little...strange? 
$5 says he'll be talking to the non-existent person next to him by the time coffee is being served. Bonus points if he serves said person a plate of food and then gets offended when they don't eat!

And then there's the aunt who always bring her loser boyfriends to family functions. You congratulate her, commenting about how "nice" he seems.
You know you've seen him somewhere, but you can't quite place him.
She's oblivious to the creepy vibe he gives off. It's not her fault, bless her heart. It's not until your family is watching TV later in the day that you remember where you know him from. A sense of deja vu washes over you as you watch the episode of "Cops" that he is featured on.


Let's not forget grandpa though. The man could fall asleep at the drop of a hat and can rarely make it through a family get-together without taking a nap in the recliner first. But somehow he is alert enough during dinner to explain, in detail, his sex life with your grandma. Bet you wish you could un-hear that, right?

And this year's lagniappe is that it was an Election year. Strap yourself in tight! Steer clear of this topic at all costs unless you want a massive case of heartburn and a headache so bad that you swear there's a Metallica concert going on in your head. If you're smart you'll sit at the kiddie table with a bottle of wine, some Advil and a camera and watch the show.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!
Let the games begin!

Vices

Most people have some guilty habit in their life.

Some smoke, some drink, some gamble and some do all 3.

I'm asthmatic, so I can't smoke.
I'm allergic (thanks asthma!) to most wines, so I can't drink.
And Lord knows I can't afford to gamble, so I don't.

I do, however, love Coke Zero and gummy candy.
So I dug in my coin jar, pulled out $3.50 and drove to Walgreens.
I paid in quarters while everyone watched and snickered.

Laugh if you must.
I have absolutely no shame about it.
But I do have a Coke Zero and gummy candy.

Apparently sanity comes in a 20 oz. bottle.

Dirt Road Lesson: The Many Faces of Grief

Grief is a weird thing.

It strikes whenever it pleases, it doesn't let you know how long it will stay and it certainly never looks the same every time, in every person.

CajunGuy and I have been walking through some grief-inducing circumstances lately and I've come to the conclusion that grief has settled in for at least a little while. I just didn't know it at first.

While I don't exactly get a formal notice before it arrives in my life, I know what other people act like when it's here:

Customer Service people start looking at me funny, as if I have 3 heads when I ask them a question. 
What's that about?! I thought I was being nice when I asked her where she left her brain this morning. Just trying to save her from going the rest of the day without it.

My husband starts looking for fangs each time I open my mouth.
All I did was point out the fact that the trash hasn't gone out in almost a week. You'd think he would be happy I reminded him. Again.

Other drivers on the road have a look of panic and terror on their faces when I'm around.
I was just educating that person about the driving laws here in America. You'd think they would appreciate the knowledge!

After a while I start to realize that the crazy stares and looks of panic in other people are my notification that grief has arrived.

Ah yes, the faces of grief in my life are other peoples' faces.
Sorry, folks. I don't think you stood a chance, did you?

Don't Be Alarmed

Dear readers:

Please do not be alarmed if you find me face down in bed this morning, snoring like a lumberjack.

It is just a reaction to the horrible thing that happened to my body yesterday.

You know, exercise.

Just make sure I'm not inhaling the sheets, m'kay?

Irony

Know when hunting season officially opens this year? October 1st.

Know when my first wedding anniversary is? October 1st.

I am convinced God has a sense of humor. 
And a hunting license.

Dirt Road Lesson: Just Stand Up

Picture it: Cancun, Mexico about 12 years ago.
My Mom, brother and I had just landed in Cancun's airport, ready for our vacation.

The following exchange between my Mom and brother still tickles me:
Bro: "Look at all the foreigners!"
Mom: "Yes, son. And you're one of them!"

It was true. I guess we all forget that we can be foreigners at some point in our lives.

That's the truth for me right now. When I moved to CajunCountry, I became the foreigner.

I don't talk like anyone here.
I don't know this place like others do.
My friends and family aren't here and this is almost a foreign land, despite the fact that I am still in my home country. 

And this feeling reminds me of something so memorable about our vacation: the jet ski ride.

You see, this little outing in Cancun consisted of riding a rented jet ski to the middle of Cancun Bay to go snorkeling. My Mom and I had no interest in snorkeling, but my brother did. So we went.

After some training about how to use the jet ski and instruction about life vests, we suited up for the ride. Mom and I got paired up together and my brother rode with another man to the bay.

The whole way out there, the jet ski Mom and I were riding kept taking on water. The guides would pump it out and we'd just take on more.

On the ride back from snorkeling, the jet ski suddenly took on an incredible amount of water and veered off course, right into the bank of the Bay. 

We crashed. Hard. 
Mom and I were both knocked off the jet ski and into the water.
My Rosie the Riveter, we-can-handle-anything-Mom burst into hysterics.
She was flailing her arms and screaming for help.

I knew I would have to stay calm for both of us, y'know, just in case.
So I let myself sink a little to figure out what I was working with. 
"Mom! Just stand up!," I screamed.

By the grace of God, we had crashed in a shallow part of the Bay.
I'm talking 4 1/2 feet of water.
We just didn't know it.

The water was so murky that when we were knocked into it, all we knew to do was panic. It never occurred to us to find out if we even could stand up before we panicked.

So it is with me here in CajunCountry. For almost a year now I have been screaming for help and flailing my arms around, searching for any sign of rescue from this new way of life.

Turns out, I didn't need to be rescued. 

I just needed to figure out that I could stand up.

Thanks for a great laugh and a great memory, Mom!

Hurricane Isaac: Preparations

                                    We Hurricaners know how to do it right!                                    (Photo courtesy of www.weather.com)

 Last night I had the honor (NOT!) of going to the grocery store to buy supplies. I am usually ahead of the game during Hurricane season, but this year I was way off. We had 10 bottles of water and 6 cans of vegetables left in our house. I was desperate. And so was the rest of the small town I live in.

There were more people in that store last night than there are in a month's time. And I bought more canned food than should be allowed by law. I am now the proud owner of approximately 12 cans of beans (bleh!), 12 cans of peas, 15 cans of corn, 5 cans of pineapples (which half of may or may not have already been eaten), 10 cans of tuna, 8 cans of corn and 4 boxes of off-brand mac and cheese, which can only be described as disgusting.

I doubt seriously that the storm will do more than send a few inches of rain my way and knock the power out for a couple of hours. If I'm right, Hallejuah! If I'm wrong, I'll be eating that mac and cheese until things get back to normal. 

If any family or friends are reading this and need a place to evacuate, please come here. I could use some help eating all the canned goods I bought! ;-)

Wisdom from Mom

My Mom is one of the smartest and strongest people I know.

How do I know? Well, she raised me. And believe me when I tell you, that was no easy task.

In the twenty-something years since I was born, I have learned a thing or two from my Mom.

In no particular order, here are some of the things she has (very patiently) taught me:

• It is not OK to drive late at night in a strange neighborhood with your best friends when you are only 16. You get your license taken away for that. And not by the state either, folks.
• When she says we are leaving for a certain time, she means it. You will get left behind. Trust me.
• She is always right when it comes to seeing a person for who they really are. How I wish I had learned to recognize that one waaaaay earlier in life!
• How to drive. Ask her about the mailbox incident. She never tires of that story. ;-)
• Bladder Control. "I asked you if you needed to go before we left the house. You'll just have to hold it until we get there."
•  Finances. "What do I look like? A bank? If you want it, you'll have to earn it."
• An infinite number of ways to cook hot dogs when you're on a budget. Weenie stew, weenie casserole, weenie and chili mac, boiled weenies, cold weenies...
•  Play-time with your younger brother is best spent away from the stairs. Apparently pushing your sibling down the stairs in a laundry basket is a bad decision. Can't blame a nerd for testing the laws of physics!
• Always wear clean underwear in case you end up in an ambulance or hospital. Just a thought here: if I were in a bad enough situation (a car accident, let's say) to warrant an ambulance or hospital visit, I think they kind of expect that my underwear will *not* be clean at that point.
• The power of prayer. "You better pray this stain comes out."
•  Gratefulness. "You'll thank me some day."

Mom, you were right. I am grateful for all the wisdom. My future children will be calling you quite often to tell you how "mean" I am. I guess you suspected as much though, right? ;-)

I am Nerd...see me read!

My love of reading (and learning!) has been a way of life for me for as long as I can remember. Most kids I know get tucked in at night only to sneak out of bed to play with their toys.

Not me. I sneaked out of bed to turn on my light so I could read.

My Mom says I learned to read when I was young and even had enough nerdiness to ask my Pre-K teacher for homework! (I can hear all you non-nerds groaning now!)

Back then I couldn't understand why I was so "different" from all the other kids. They wanted to run and play. I wanted to read and learn. 

Funny story: My 2nd grade classroom had a separate book area complete with bean bag chairs and all the books my little heart could want. In short, it was my paradise. There were only two times during the day you could go there: during reading time after lunch or if you weren't feeling well and needed a quiet place to rest for a little while. I was pretty antsy one particular day and lunch was still an hour away so I did what any self-respecting nerd would do to get closer to a book: I faked illness. Worked like a charm! I walked to the back of the room, plopped in a bean bag chair and plotted my reading. What I didn't bank on, however, is that the teacher could see me reading said books. She quickly picked up on my fake illness and ordered me back to my desk. (I'm guessing she wasn't a nerd!)

My nerdiness has served me well though. CajunGuy and I both have chronic illnesses that require knowledge and skill to manage. Lucky for both of us, the second I even come thisclose to a diagnosis I rush home to learn all I can about what I'm facing. I could leave it to a doctor but I want to know what medications they're putting me on, why I'm on them and what they do. (Yes, Mom, I know I probably do have a problem. I can hear you laughing from here. I'll seek counseling for it just as soon as I research the condition I may have.)

Actually, this whole research thing applies to just about anything I want to know. I just can't help myself. It's almost a compulsion to look up stuff I don't know but want to learn. (Again Mom, I am aware I may probably have an issue. I've done research and narrowed it down to OCD or hypochondriasis. I'll let you know when I'm done researching though.) To put this whole nerd thing in perspective, I grasp just about every joke on "The Big Bang Theory". I'm not as socially inept as Sheldon though. I have more of a Leonard-ish type nerdiness going on.

CajunGuy lovingly calls me a nerd. How I relish that word! When he sees me reading articles from scholarly journals or teaching myself something new he just looks at me with a sense of pride...and confusion. Let me narrate his thought for you: "I married a really smart woman. But don't most women her age like to shop or something? Oh crap, she's coming this way. She wants to talk about what she learned. Look busy! Look busy! Why did I marry a nerd?!?"

To me, loving to read and learn is about as automatic as breathing. So when I get called a "nerd" it serves as a reminder that I am not like everyone else and I am not "normal". And I'm OK with that.

Besides, I've read up on being "normal". Those people don't like books. That scares me.

(Oh, and Mom? I don't have OCD or hypocondriasis. I'm just a Grade-A nerd! Just sayin'.)

Confessions of a Couponaholic

I have a confession: I love coupons. I use them all. the. time. I have no shame when it comes to making our one income stretch as far as possible. In fact, it gives me a thrill. 

The folks behind me in lines don't really like it though. 

Well, except for one very curious lady.

Picture it: Target, about a month ago. I was just finishing my weekly pilgrimage and found an empty checkout lane (lest I hold up a long line). I had a stack of coupons in my hand and I was ready to do some damage to my total bill. Everything was going well and all of my coupons were scanning (!) and the cashier was coupon-friendly (!!). 

Then the dreaded "beep" happened. For those of you who don't coupon, the "beep" is something couponers dread. It means that the register is beeping to alert the cashier that the coupon doesn't meet some (usually ridiculous) criteria. It means a manager has to be called. It also means that a line of angry people behind you will start to form.  

C'est la vie, right?

And, of course, there was a line beginning to form behind me at this point. Of the 3 or 4 unhappy people behind me, I noticed one lady was curious. Very curious. I caught her watching me very closely a few times. I knew by the look on her face that she was intrigued by what I was doing (not that I'm special, but I did have about 30 coupons in my hand.) It was taking the manager a while to come to the register so I turned around to the line and apologized for holding things up.

I suppose it was this apology that broke the ice for the curious lady because she said something that made me chuckle. I even blushed a little.

"Are you one of those extreme couponers?," she asked. 

"I don't think so," I told her.  "I do what I can to make one income stretch as far as I can. But my family thinks I'm extreme, so maybe I am?" 

We had a good chuckle and she asked me where I get my coupons and how long I've been doing it. Of the people in that line, she was by far the most kind. The rest of the line probably wanted to chase me to the parking lot with pitchforks and torches.

Am I in denial about my use of coupons? CajunGuy would point to the amount of printer ink we go through in a month (which, by the way, I got for free). My parents would point to the fact that even when we go out to eat as a family I usually have a coupon.

OK, so maybe I have a problem. But it's not like they have a Couponers Anonymous group.

Besides, I know "my kind". The meetings would go something like this:

"My name is Liz. And I have a problem. By the way, I have a coupon to cover this meeting fee. Y'all take 'em?"

Ah, yes. Old habits die hard.

Hurricane Survival: A Guide

It's been said that Louisiana has 2 seasons: Eternal Summer and Hurricane Season.
If you've lived here for any length of time you'll likely agree with me.

Hurricane season here in Louisiana is such a large part of our culture that we don't even worry about most of the things that happen in the tropics.

A storm heading for the Gulf? Gimme a square on the Hurricane Pool. Oh, and throw my name on the Saints pool, too. You know they're gonna win, right?

We're weird like that here in the Gulf States. See how alarmingly unconcerned we are with hurricanes here in the South? That's not to say that we are never concerned about them, but Katrina taught us a few good lessons:

1. Not every storm is worthy of full-blown panic. Wake me up when it becomes a Category 3, mkay?
2. Even a hurricane is a good reason to have a party. We seriously have hurricane parties here. (Why are you laughing??) Some folks have even been known to bring their stock of canned goods and do a "can swap". After all, there are only so many cans of beans you can eat, even if it is your only food until the power comes back on.
3. It's just stuff. Yes, it hurts to lose it but as someone who watched her family and friends lose everything, I'm here to tell you that stuff can be replaced. If you talk to us now, we all agree that it was easier to replace our stuff than it would have been to replace our lives.
4. Make peace with your family members now. Or at the very least, invest in some good ear plugs. You may be spending 17+ hours with said family member(s) in a vehicle headed for Heaven-knows-where, praying that your beloved relative's bad habit of talking incessantly will end, or you will have to end it for them, so help you God...Oh, wait, where was I again? Oh yeah: Assault is illegal, even during an evacuation. So is strapping someone to the roof of your vehicle for the duration of the trip. Not that I've ever thought of that or anything...
5. Being away from your home for extended periods of time during a hurricane (aka Hurrication) can be fun. We met lots of really great people during Katrina and kept in good spirits despite what was happening.
6. We make Hurricane Pools. We bet on strength of the storm when it hits land, where the eye will make landfall and how long until power is restored, among other things. Ya know, when life hands you lemons...
7. Homeowners' Insurance policies don't cover flooding. You MUST buy a flood policy to be covered. Trust us on this one!
8. MREs (Meals Ready to Eat) become a source of entertainment as well as nutrition. They're often labeled with a meal number to identify the contents. At one point after Katrina, someone was operating a website dedicated solely to MREs and their contents. You typed in the MRE number and got a list of what was inside the MRE. Handy for those times when you don't want to open the whole package just to figure out what's inside. Word to the wise: While MREs are a great thing to have in times of crisis, they were meant to sustain our military during times when food is scarce. Most have between 2,000 - 3,000 calories so be careful when eating them, lest you suddenly wonder why the pants that fit you 2 days ago no longer fit you today. True story.
9. If you are traveling with pets and one of them starts to whine like crazy, please take it as a note to pull over and let them pee. Otherwise, your mistaking their "potty cry" for their "scared cry" could get you a lap full of warm pee. Another true story.
10.  And rounding out my list of lessons: make a family member/friend who lives outside of Hurricane Striking Zone your point of contact for the whole family. Phone calls are often VERY hard to make to people in the hurricane's path and having one person to call to get updates from, and report your well-being to, can save your sanity. If you have any left after dealing with #4 on this list, that is.

Hurricanes, like anything in life, are easier when you're prepared.

Which reminds me, 33 days until the start of Hurricane Season 2012. Are you ready?